Lying for you
by Einna Aroura Du'an
Summary: Riddick Remembers as he does one of the hardest things he's ever had to do...again.


**Lying From You**

**Summery - Riddick reflects on his past as he does one of the hardest things he's ever had to…leaving Jack behind. **

**AN - I cried as I wrote it. Enjoy!**

**AN2 - Another of my funky song fics. Kudos to anyone who spots the song! Also, my way of sayin' soz for not updating the other two series for ages, and soz again coz the Easter hols are kicking in so I don't get a chance to update for two weeks! EEK! Look on the bright side tho…I should have like twenty things to upload the first Monday back! **

**Disclaimer - I don't own Riddick…but, I was told I could have him if I got enough money together…so I set up a Lemonade stall. Do you know how much Lemonade you gotta sell to own this dude? Lotta Lemonade. So no, I don't own him. I'm just borrowing him for a time. I'll give him back once I've made him drink some damn lemonade. **

**Warnings - It's Riddick. Take a running guess. Oh, but I should tell you, it does mention Brenna (all ye who have read my 'way it could have gone but didn't' fic or 'family' will know) and therefore mentions child abuse. Nothing specific or detailed, but hey, I hate running the risk of someone reading and Nit Pickin. **

**Enjoy!**

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**I remember a time when I was young. Something like eleven, twelve. Always such a Bad-ass. Beaten' the other kids up one side of the block and down the other. Brenna could always turn me into the huge damn softie, though. All she had to do was look at me, the way she used to when she was that young, and asks "what are you doing now, big brother?"**

**I used to let her take my hand, or I used to sit her with me, and I used to forget that there were assholes out there in the yard or further down the street who would wanna take a piece of me later, because in those minutes, with Brenna, the rest of the world didn't matter. **

**Then it began again, with Jack. She worships me, I know it. You can tell. The way a person can tell when someone near them is looking at them and thinking about fuckin' with them. Back on the Skiff I stole from the Kublah Kahn, she would have these dreams, and I remember when Brenna used to have 'em to. I'd sit beside her, and I wouldn't do anything, but I wouldn't stop her from doin' anythin'. The Kid wanted me to leave, I'd leave. If she lent against me, I'd put my arm around her, and if she refused to release me, I'd stay the rest of the night to let her get some peace for once. **

**It's those times that I pretend everything is what I want it to be. **

**What it was. **

**I look exactly like what I always wanted to see when I catch my reflection with the Kid beside me, because in blurred metal, I look like the boy I was before I was Richard B. Riddick, and when I pretend that it's another Kid in my arms, I can forget about the life I led and the shit I did, I can pretend that I'm something more than the criminal I am. **

**I'm normal. **

**I sit, stealing second after second just because I know it's what the Kid wants, and I know I can. But I can't pretend that it's the way it'll stay. It's a truth I've always known, and I've always had to just accept. I'm just lying by lying here, trying to bend the truth. **

**I can be who I want to be. I can be normal. **

**I can be a Kids Brother again. **

**I can pretend. **

**But the things a person thinks of in the night and the darkness die when you show them to the daylight, and I have to keep myself away from Jack again. **

**I can't pretend that I'm normal. It'll get me killed. **

**Jack doesn't understand any of it. **

**She doesn't understand why I can't stay. **

_**Because I can't be who you want me to be, Kid. I can't keep you safe. **_

**So I'm taking the cowards' way out. **

**I'm running again. **

**I'm lying to her more and more every day I stay just another day, and every instinct I have tells me to just leave the fuckin' planet already, but I don't care. **

**I don't wanna leave her. **

**But I gotta. I know. Today, Imam said he saw Mercs in the Market. Caught enough of their conversation to know that I'm why they're here too. So now I'm making my way out of my room, out of the house. Jack promised me that she'd stay in her room, that she wouldn't try to come out and see me off, that she wouldn't try to follow me or make me stay. She'd just stay in bed and sleep while I left. **

**Yeah fuckin' right. **

**We knew when she made the promise that she'd break at least part of it, if not all. And she has. **

**She's not asleep.**

**She's not in bed. **

**She's not even in her room. **

**She's here, right between me and the door. **

Well, no turning back now, Riddick.

"Move, Jack." I demand, devoid of force.

She doesn't.

I wanna just push her aside to avoid the conversation I know I gotta have, and honestly, it's like trying to block a battle cruiser with paper, but the paper has the advantage. The guy flying the battle cruiser is leaving behind what he loves. He doesn't want to leave.

_No, _I tell myself. _No turning back now. _

"Please let me come with you, Riddick." She pleas. "Take me with you."

"You don't wanna go where I'm goin'," I tell her honestly.

"I don't care where it is, so long as it's where you're goin'."

I close my eyes for a second, readyin' myself. I know that if I just leave now, she'll follow me, and much as I hate to hurt the kid, I don't want her to kill herself comin' after me.

"I'd rather be alone."

The glitter of hope in her eyes dies, but the shine's back fast and I know she's gonna cry.

Shit, Kid, don't cry.

I wish I could just take back the life I had just a few days before, where we were safe, just for a while, but no.

No turning back now.

"You don't mean that," she tries to argue, but she's a kid. She doesn't stand a chance.

'Sure I do," I tell her coldly. "You think I want a teenage tag-alone screwing it all up for me? Gettin' her ass in trouble so I gotta go rescue her?"

"It wouldn't be like that," she assures me.

"It'd be just like that. I ain't takin' you with me, Kid."

"Then stay here!" She begs.

"I would, Kid," I tell her cruelly, "but if you're staying here, I'd rather be anywhere else, just to be on my own."

Tears start making their way from her eyes, and she doesn't try to stop me again as I walk past her.

"Why are you saying this?" She sobs as I walk away.

No, Riddick. No taking the words back.

No turning back now.

"Because it's true."

I hear her sob again, and then the furious thud of feet on the stairs.

In that moment, I know it. I know what I've feared since the Kublah Kahn.

The very worst part of the kid is me.

I remember what they taught me in the home when I was a kid. I remember that I didn't quite fit in, I remember sittin' on the stairs and listenin' to condescending talk for who I ought to be and what I ought to be doin'. I remember listenin' to this an' that, ideas for how best to deal with 'trouble Children'.

And I remember Brenna, sneakin' onto the stairs with me, 'cause I wasn't in my room when she woke up again.

I remember not wanting to leave her.

So I lied.

I pretended up a person who would fit in just fine, and I became him. As soon as they saw I was fittin' in at this new home…Brenna's home…they let me stay there, and for a while, I was as happy as I've ever been.

I remember him.

I remember Richard, the bastard who made the mistake of thinking that this person who called his girlfriend Momma was really me. He thought I was weak and pathetic and _normal. _He thought he could get away with doing what he did.

And I let him think that.

I had my reasons, of course. 'Cause I was still tryin' to bend the truth, pretendin' I couldn't tell that she was bleedin', that you really could get a bruise like that from fallin' over. But it got to the point where I couldn't stand it any longer. I started acting like me again, poundin' on older kids, scaring my Foster-mom and _him. _

I didn't realize that the more I pushed them, the more Brenna pulled away from me.

I was scarin' her to. So much, in fact, that she never came near me after Richard had hurt her. Almost like she thought I was to blame

I probably was.

The lyin', the falsehoods, the shit. My shit. That's what got Brenna killed.

And Carolyn.

And I know it will kill Jack to.

So I make my way out of the door and towards the space docks.

No turning back now.

I climb into the hatch of the ship as it hisses open and I strap myself as quickly as possible into the pilots' seat.

And I stop.

A figure outside.

Dirty blond hair plastered to a beautiful face as she stands in the rain, a life saving bottle in her hand.

Carolyn.

I stare, just for a second, at the memory.

Remember.

Remember.

I remember she died. For me.

Not for me.

I wanna turn back time and push her aside so she would let me go.

But I know I can't. No turning back now.

_Let me go, _I wanna tell her._ Take back your life; you can swap it for mine. _

I'd rather be dead then be all alone.

But no. No turning back now.

So I have to go.

Anywhere. Anywhere on my own, away from here.

I have to go 'cause now I can see, and the very worst part of her is…No…the very worst part of her _was, _me.

This isn't what I want it to be.

I promised myself years ago that I would never say that again. One of those promises you would never have thought of breaking. But I didn't know that what I said then would be so meaningless now, and I didn't think that what I said now would have so many people I care for in so much pain, nor my actions leave them running into so much trouble.

"_This isn't what I want, Brenna" _I'd told her. _"This isn't the way it should be.'_

She was so afraid that I would become worse in the end that he almost beat her to death. I found her unconscious and thought…

I never thought that what I said to him would have her runnin' from me. I never thought it would be like this.

I'd said it to Carolyn once to. On the way back to the cave, I told her;

"This isn't the way I'd wanna do it."

"What would your plan be?" She asked. "I mean, a few minutes ago, your plan was to leave us all here for dead."

"I would never even have thought of that," I tell her honestly. "What's my plan? I power up the ship alone, and would have come back for you in it."

Any other woman, she probably would have laughed in my face, called me a liar.

"I believe you."

And she did. Her voice was too genuine to be a lie.

But it didn't save her.

She knew who I was, why I was that way, and it wasn't enough either.

In fact, that's what condemned her.

She went running away from safety into the darkness for me. And she found me, and she held me, and she told me she wouldn't die like this. Not for me. Not like this.

But she did.

A brief, pain filled smile of redemption, and she was gone.

And this isn't what I wanted to happen to Jack either. Bad things happen to the people I love when I'm around. They die for me…because of me. I shouldn't be around people.

But I never thought that anything what I could say to Jack would have the Kid runnin' from me.

I shouldn't have to end like this.

I did it for love, Kid.

No turning back on it now.

Let me go. I wanna be pushed aside, so I'll push you aside to make it easier for you to let me go.

I can't. No turning back now.

But I wanna turn it back, take back my life.

I'd rather die then be all alone with my guilt. I wanna turn back time and save them, but no. No turning back now.

So I'll leave, go somewhere else. Anywhere else, on my own, 'cause I know now what I've denied for so long. I confronted the knowledge, and I can't turn back to what I once was now.

I know.

The very worst part of life for people I care about.

The very worst thing that could happen to a person.

I know by now what it is.

Me.


End file.
